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Tuesday, 13 January 2009

  • 8:12 am...

    Mood: a sweeping, unreflective pessimism.
    Music: the hollow whirring of a printer.

    I think I'm over xanga. Not that it hasn't been like a patient friend to me, but it's just that I joined xanga mostly to stay in touch with close friends but they have all but disappeared (here, not in real life) and I used to really be into blogging about my day or feelings, doing it because I enjoyed the social interaction I got from it. Now xanga is kind of like MySpace. Not in so much that people post millions of pictures of themselves in hopes to achieve some kind of internet social status that gives them some heightened self image and improved (if only limited) self-esteem but the likeness is that many people simply blog to see how many comments they can get. Or that's just the feeling I get. Not that there's anything remotely wrong with this-I'm not passing any judgment on anyone who does, in fact, do this. I'm just not one who writes in order to get a reply. It would be nice-it must be nice to receive such feedback on an opinion or a little anecdote from life but I don't write for replies and surely have nothing to say that would ensure me some.

    Personally I find writing in my journal, a tangible object that no one can read, more riveting. The only problem is I prefer typing since my hand writing is legible this way and my hands don't cramp.

    I once tried before to shut down my xanga. I think the only reason I couldn't then was because I had invested so much into it that I couldn't just simply walk away. Even now I'm hesitant to be rid of it; again, xanga has been like a close, personal friend who I would turn to not only to converse with my social network, but to also relieve myself of the feelings I would have otherwise laden on my soul.

    With college and close relationships (having a significant other really influences validation and time-consumption issues) I'm not as absorbed with myself as I otherwise would be. If xanga feeds one thing it would be my vanity.

    I guess in a not so subtle way I'm trying to break up with xanga. But I'm not entirely sure whether I want a clean break, with no reminders, or I want to drag this out for so long that I change my mind (as it stands, that will probably happen more than once.) And I can't tell if I'm convinced I don't want xanga anymore or not. It's a stubborn situation.

    I think for now I'll keep xanga on my computer, but not on my toolbar where I can see it. Out of sight, out of mind I guess.

    Well, not really.

    Lots of love and oral fixations,
    zazzyka

Monday, 29 December 2008

  • 8:01 pm...

    Mood: surprisingly good. Just good.
    Music: listening to my laptop sync CDs.

    Nothing spells out a relaxing evening quite like eating M&Ms and drinking hot cocoa, all while trying to appear technologically savvy when really everything that your new iPod can do leaves your mind reeling.

    It's pretty; I got it in orange :3

    I felt like a complete idiot when Casey was trying to show me how to use iTunes. Was very embarrassing because I had only a slight inkling of what I had to do. He was very sweet (mostly) and accommodated my idiocy very nicely.  I was extremely grateful.

    I've spent the last two days sitting intelligently in front of the tv, putting my valuable time to good use. And by 'intelligently' I mean mindlessly drooling on myself like a zombie and 'valuable time' meant as me having absolutely nothing to do. No doubt I could probably find something to keep me busy I just lack all motivation to a) find something to keep me busy and b) attempt to actually do something in the first place. Much too much effort.

    Generally I'm not a lazy person. But when the holidays come around (and because I don't work) I get into a rut and end up vegging all day in front of the tv, eating chocolate and drinking coffee. Not as ambitious as I would like it to be but it's still ideal-somewhat.

    At least I've been working out in the morning. That way when I bloat from all the chocolate consumption, I will feel completely justified rationalizing my bad eating habits by balancing them with exercise.

    Pfft, I'm a whore.

    No no, I'm a good person. I know that and that's all that matters :3

    There's some psychoanalytical jazz you can feed to yourself while trying to figure out what exactly you want in life and what fulfills you. Is it you or something else? Is this it or is there more? What aspirations do you dare attempt to dream of? Or are you mindlessly going through life, milking what you can for all it's worth only to be dissatisfied after everything, at the end of the day, wishing you had more, ungrateful for what you do have. If there's nothing to give, how can you ask for more?

    Lots of love and oral fixations,
    zazzykat


Wednesday, 10 December 2008

  • 6:41 pm...

    Mood: currently losing IQ.
    Music: 'No Jesus Christ' by Seether.

    Did you know that listening to music using headphones in your ears, whilst zoning out, actually decreases your IQ? How unfortunate for me, then, since this form of music intake is the most accessible to me, therefore, my favourite. But then, I do not really zone. I'm usually mulling something over or using my imagination to recreate my day. Usually not just sitting around, stoning.

    Yet I do not know all the logistics behind this theory. What are the variables? What kind of control group did they use? How would one use a placebo in this situation?

    Though I'm sure there were not any pills taken if this was, indeed, an experiment but that would be very interesting.

    "Here, take this pill and tell us if you think your IQ has decreased."

    *drools*

    That is how zombies are going to be created in our time, I think. It all starts off with a scientist with good intent-maybe-doing some experiment testing something we have no need for (I mean, really, television started killing people long before the Ipod was introduced) and then WHAM! We are contending with zombies. The road to hell is often paved with good intentions.

    I have a one track mind. It always comes back to the same things: zombies. And sex.

    But not together!

    Urgh I do not think I'm brave (or stupid) enough to search for it.  I have heard it exist and that is enough for me.

    I had a great weekend, very glad it is Wednesday, but Friday is going to be awkward. Mostly because I'm getting a ride up to my boyfriend's University with his mother, whom though I respect and like very much, does not really supply a lot of the conversation so I ramble on hopelessly, thinking that I sound like either an idiot or a complete nut who should not be with her son. God but I'd rather it be the former than the latter. Because I'm not an idiot I will not put much emphasis on it if someone says otherwise, but I do not know how I'd take it if I were told I wasn't good for Casey. I'd get over it-eventually-but it'd kill me, probably.

    Ending up alone isn't the worst thing. That idea, in and of itself, is comforting. I rather like being alone-helps one think clearer, more precise, and to not take what you have for granted. And being without attention will not spoil you but rather make you cherish those you have around you more. Or spurn them and their interest in your life, reacting fiercely to even the slightest indication that you are lonely.

    Either way, it's a win-win situation.

    People leave you alone, is what I'm getting at.

    Have exams coming up. Only four days until winter break. Then I can finally be indifferent to the suffering around me-until Christmas, that is. Then I have face-time with families of unknown. Not entirely a holiday person. Especially when broken in the wallet area.

    Need to get ready for my one class today (!YAY!) and then all the study for sociology I'm going to have to do today (not so YAY.)

    Lots of love and oral fixations,
    zazzykat

Monday, 01 December 2008

  • 6:21 pm...

    moodiness: musically inclined.
    musical inspiration: 'flightless bird, american mouth' by iron & wine.

    I think if I just chugalug along in school then it'll be over before I know it. Put in some extra work time for each of my classes. Hopefully the two weeks, three tops, will move along quickly. I need to be able to wake up in the morning, knowing I'll have my fill and be satisfied with the break. I crave the simple pleasure of leisurely getting up, moving around the house, not pressed for time or needing to be somewhere before 8 in the morning.

    I'll really be able to breathe.

    The only stressor over the break I'll have to pay any mind to is Christmas shopping. I hate getting presents for people-not only am I horrible at it, I'm doing it mostly on the budget of broke. Actually I'm worse than broke, I'm broken.

    Sad (and not as hilarious as I thought) but true.

    And though my present hilarity isn't appreciated, I'm still stuck with my conundrum. What to get my loved one, whom I believe should be spoiled and treated well, armed with nothing but my bare thread wallet?

    I have some ideas. But it'd make it so much easier if I had a job. Two, three years from now maybe I'll have my wish granted and be working in the hospital making $21 dollars hourly. Then, and only then, shall I rule the world!!! Bwaha ha ha ha mwahaha!

    Thankfully I don't actually laugh like that. Imagine if I did? How popular I would be!

    I hope everyone else is managing well, coping with the remnants of this semester. I know we just had Thanksgiving break but, really, that clearly wasn't long enough to satiate some of us who languish under all the pressures class can provide. And I, for one, will not sit around waiting until the holiday rolls around to enjoy the time I have. I like the idea of languidly getting up in the morning, lazily waiting for the coffee to perk so that I can drink it leisurely. Drinking coffee and being introspective are two of my favourite things. They just seem to mesh well together.

    I just wish I could be wherever he is tonight.

    Now I need to go do something because if I don't, my own integrity will be in harm and I couldn't possibly live with myself then if it was less than 100 percent.

    Lots of love and oral fixations,
    zazzykat

Monday, 24 November 2008

  • 9:30 pm...

    Mood: pithy. Both in spirit and body.
    Music: 'Sweet Avenue' by Damien Rice.

    I suffer from explosive diarrhea of the mouth.

    I say too much; half of what I think. And I don't even know what to think anymore, it just seems like I'm coming to a crossroads and that soon I'm going to have to make some sort of decision, one that will affect my life, though I'm not sure what it'll affect exactly.

    No matter how hard I try to sell the image of me as perfection to myself I can't help but scoff. I really have no complaints, none that don't come cheaply and none that can't be bought by a deft ear and a stranger's sympathetic eyes. Sadly true. But really, that's my own doing.

    Life isn't fair. Or is it? People are the unfair ones, who blame life for their follies. Blame anything but ourselves. It's how we cope.

    Life is what you make of it. But what if you make too much of nothing? What happens when you take it all for granted? You can't ever be sure, about anything.

    Or can you?

    Maybe some things in life are for certain. Things that existence simply cannot be questioned.

    Letting go is the easiest thing you can do with a smile as your ammunition. Cock a smile and blow someone away.

    What is it we all want out of life? No, what is it we want in life; what keeps us going? What more than others? We are full of contradictions, holding ourselves to some standard that cannot be applied to anyone else. And yet we look for meaning in all the wrong right odd places. Like in candy wrappers and on bathroom stall doors. Or in the middle of a forest, carved into the wood surface of a worn out picnic table.

    We're just too funny for our own good.

    Lots of love and oral fixations,
    zazzykat

Thursday, 20 November 2008

  • 10:00 pm...

    Mood: turbulent.
    Music: 'So Cold' by Breaking Benjamin.

    It's funny how an instance can change in a mere moment and yet still manage to be the same; something that's been played over and over, like life is stuck on replay.

    It is amusing no doubt. To fate, that is.

    I think a lot of the time I tell myself that it's alright because I need to believe it.

    I've forgotten myself; paying little attention to what's important and more to distractions.

    What I said about not being able to change yourself? I misspoke. You can change yourself. But only you can change yourself. The situation may be the same but how you handle it can differ from the past.

    I may never be rich, extremely happy, well taken care of or see the world. But I can change the future according to what I want. Forget fate. I can take control of my life and I can do whatever I can to make a future for myself that is worth living. I have the ambition, drive and independence to take care of myself and lead a life based on my principles and integrity. I don't need to get stuck on things that will never change.

    I've had enough of feeling badly over something that would happen, irregardless of my circumstances. Things happen-I can deal with that. No, I more than just deal with it. I can live with it because it's nothing in the long run. Nothing but empty feelings and meaningless misunderstandings.

    I'm not going to shrug my shoulders in indifference; I'll shrug them in assurance and with the feeling of accomplishment. I have known what happiness is and that happiness will not only suffice me but I will gladly glut my soul until it is contented.

    I'm not going to make much of the little things and I won't let the big things stand in my way. I will persevere.

    Lots of love and oral fixations,
    zazzykat

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

  • baby, it's 3 am, I must be lonely

    8: 07 am...

    Mood: sexy.
    Music: cat snores.

    I think I've become more in touch with my feminine side. I wore high heels yesterday to school. Just because I wanted to. It reminds me of the first time I wore a short skirt to school. And that was my senior year.

    Times are a-changin'.

    Today I am equally pretty, sans the heals though. I guess I'm just tired of feeling and looking like a tomboy. Which I'm not (I really try not to subscribe to labels, as     cliché as that is) but I'm not overly girly-er, not much of a girl, actually-but, I don't know, I just feel like feeling really good about myself.

    I will dress up for an occasion but I think it makes me feel more confident in myself when I just try to appear nice anyway. And I'm not doing it to make anyone happy but myself.

    I surprise even me over time.

    Cannot function properly because I miss Casey so much. Pathetic, it's true, but we had such an incredible weekend-we spent the entirety of our weekend together-and he was marvelous. Simply marvelous.

    I try to keep my spirits up with thought that Thanksgiving will be here shortly and then Christmas break is just around the corner. Only two more weeks of school after Thanksgiving and then we're off. And I get to (hopefully) see Casey everyday. If he doesn't work; but I think he might.

    I think I'll just like the idea of sleeping in for once. Or maybe not.

    How unfortunate that, if my mind is drifting from school work, the thought of Casey is not too far along to take its place.

    How can two people be so entwined with one another? I've always wondered that when I saw happy couples, happily loving together, but even now I can't quite wrap my mind around it. It's like if he's not here, I focus the entirety of my being on him and when he is here, with me, all I do is focus on him anyway. What's fair about that?

    *sigh*

    I'm not complaining, I swear, I just find it completely odd that two people can be so in tune with one another. And we are; I know what he's thinking before he even says it and vice versa.

    Oft this results in either me or him screaming 'Get out of my head!' at one another.

    *edit*

    I'm so tired of school, all I want is it to be Christmas break. I just want to be able to wake up without worrying about what work needs to be handed in, what tests need to be studied for, how well I cope with the lack of sleep I get at night and how much stress I can swallow before I explode.

    I currently have to study for my soc test that is tomorrow but I don't posses any motivation at all. Which seriously sucks because I have, since the beginning of the semester, had the highest test scores in that class. I don't think that I will do as well as I have before (definitely not 90 and up material.)

    My martyr complex leaves my mind realing. Sometimes I really wish I could premeditate all of my thoughts. I would never open my mouth. Ever. Never ever.

    Don't ever bother dwelling over the unfavorable aspects of your personality, the things that no matter how hard you try, you just can't change. No use; you'll never break the habit. Just embrace it and let it humble you. It's the only thing you can do, it seems.

    It's easier to take in all the bad and use it to strengthen you rather than trying to reinvent yourself tirelessly, day in, day out. It'll only leave you feeling empty in the end.

    So embrace those weaknesses honey and be more than you are already. You'll be much happier in the long run, I think.

    Lots of love and oral fixations,
    zazzykat

Monday, 10 November 2008

  • 8:23 am...

    Mood: i don't wanna go to class!
    Music: pencil scratching at paper.

    I've had the worst weekend. EVER. Long and tedious; I spent all Saturday and Sunday working on my Sociology paper-I'm mostly done. It's due tomorrow and I'm stressing it but I think I might be worrying unnecessarily. I reviewed an article on the 'looking glass effect,' by Charles Horton Cooley, that theorizes that ego (a person) can have her self-conception changed by alter (a group or others) through internalizing the alters views. There are other points to that, but for the most part, I just wrote about internalization and how gender and status affect the process. But the researchers of the article had at least eleven hypotheses and I'm unsure if I should mention them all or not. I really, really, really don't want to (sitting in front of my computer screen for forty-eight hours straight not only strained my eyes but gave me a headache.)

    Not only is that stressing me but I have a group paper due on Friday about Japan's involvement in WWII and the use of the atomic bomb, arguing whether we are for or against. I have to stay after class with some of my fellow group member to work on it-we haven't even finished the second paragraph and there has to be six. They keep telling me it's no big deal (and maybe it isn't) but at the rate I'm going I'm bound to have some premature gray hair sprouting out of my head.

    Thank god I dye it. Ooh, and Sophia, you've inspired me. I've wanted to dye my hair brown for so long but I've never been too keen on it, only thinking red would flatter my skin tone. But I think I'm going to try it; I hope that it doesn't seem like I'm just copying you, to much poorer effect. I just thought you looked so pretty with your dark brown hair, though I'd have to go with something light, but it really flattered your skin, illuminating it. I've always just wondered...

    Anyways, sorry to rant and run, but my class starts at nine and it's already eight thirty-five and I still have to walk across campus.

    *edit*

    Unfortunately for xanga, it did not receive the pleasure that is my company last night because I was busy finishing my paper that is due today, at twelve thirty.

    Good news is that I, along with my group, made remarkable progress in writing our joint paper. We've basically finished it but there is still critiquing to do though that will come Wednesday.

    I think the rest of the week will be a little less hectic since I'm not worry as much. I'll give in the paper for soc today and then I'll forget about it; such is my want.

    Friday doesn't seem like it could possibly come any faster. Or is it slower? Friday's can be incredibly obstinate.

    I'm feeling much better; I want to start working out again but I haven't really gotten over my cold yet so I have to wait, otherwise exercising will only deplete my immune system further. Funny, that. Working out is supposed to help raise your immune system, because you're relieving stress. But then, I suppose, that really only works if you are eating healthy and get enough sleep as well. Neither of which had I been doing before I got sick. 'Tis my own fault.

    Well I need to, class and such awaits.

    Lots of love and oral fixations,
    zazzykat

Tuesday, 04 November 2008

  • 12: 24 pm...

    Mood: I don't even know.
    Music: 'Childish' by Damien Rice.

    My emotional torment has humbled me, yet again, as I find myself on my knees.

    There is so much going on inside me and yet nothing at all. I find it hard to describe and yet I am perfectly content to let my emotions rage inside of me and allow music to soothe me. Damien Rice speaks to my soul, caresses it, calms it, as simplistic and childish as that sounds.

    Emotionality is a difficult aspect of myself that I have to deal with. It's kind of a like a flood of tastes on the tip of my tongue, anger tart and acrid, sadness bitter, happiness sweet with a salty tinge. The deluge of all I feel spurns me, and I am repelled by the whirring of these emotions inside of me.

    The house has this stormy, gray appeal to it that I love. I can sparsely see the red maple tree in the front yard when I glance outside the window. It reminds me of my mood; grayness with a irrevocably red brightness.

    I don't know how to process all these thoughts. They say time heals all, maybe time will make things easier. With age, I'll be able to adjust to these things, to time.

    *edit*

    I still feel an inordinate amount of sadness welling up inside of me. Thankfully my stress is keeping it at bay. Don't you just wish you could change what you've been delt, change the hand fate has chosen for you? Unless...you don't believe in fate. It is true we construct our reality; what beliefs we hold are irrelevant. I just wish that I could simply fast forward to the things I desire, the things I know will bring me the most happiness. Or, at best, the most relief. Fulfillment. Or satisfaction. But the bad has its seasons, though bittersweet, it is still a blessing.

    To change the hands of time, would that bring me to completion? Would I consider myself whole? And at what point would I realize that all that I've worked for, all that I've wanted and what I've prayed for, would have never come into being? Could I live with myself then?

    Too little answers, too many questions. Finite time.

    I console myself with the thought that everything will be ok. That everything will turn out for the best. That I am not alone. Not alone. Not anymore. And yet...

    To completely understand another, to be completely understood, would leave one bare and vulnerable, and there is no way in determining and ensuring that one has completely attain understanding at all. To be assured of that would be a delicate misunderstanding in and of itself.

    It would never happen.

    Hence, the beginnings of alone, and not of lonely.

    Surely things will turn out better. Perhaps the best. We live only to die another day. We'll see.

    Lots of love and oral fixations,
    zazzykat

Thursday, 30 October 2008

  • Happy Halloween to all and to all a good fright!

    7:02 am...

    Mood:bi-writable.
    Music: 'Gasoline' by Seether.

    It is a lovely Friday morning, all, and I am freezing my arse off sitting here at my kitchen table. Mostly because the heats not on, it is thirty degrees outside, and I am wearing a t-shirt. And it turns out that cold cereal for breakfast does not make the already cold setting any less cold. Hm.

    I have finally come to the conclusion that I just need to get over myself and do what I want to and have fun while doing it. Starting off with going to a Halloween party!

    Let me elucidate:

    Lately, I have had the annoying habit of second guessing myself. Not for any particular reason other than me not feeling confident in myself. And even then I get it into my head that everyone is judging me and that they cannot possibly like me because ew.

    Of course I have been assured by my boyfriend that I am clearly insane and that he loves me in spite, despite myself. Which is good because otherwise I would not know how, exactly, he loved me.

    :3

    But getting back to the matter at hand, I just have not felt very much like myself and so I have not been allowing myself to do the things I would like because of the intolerable feel of self-doubt.

    I am stopping that now, nipping it in the butt.

    I going to try to write again, and this time I am not going to frustrate myself with hopes of perfection. That will never happen and I am a perfectly capable writer. I just need to believe in myself.

    Such is my allotment.

    I am unsure of what to say now, I could just babble on about getting older but it feels unfair to ruin such a peaceful moment with garble.

    So who is doing what where, tonight? I expect details in full.

    I hope everyone has fun and stays safe!

    Well unfortunately class calls and all that that implies. Like getting ready before one's mum comes downstairs and starts yelling. Not a good way to start off the day.

    Lots of love and oral fixations,
    zazzykat

me & me

  • i am me and that is enough.